never hide

when talking to this person
I don’t talk
well, I talk but I just show my facade
and I don’t let her see what’s going on behind
from outside, everything is going well
but it doesn’t
I am hiding

this feeling when someone asks
how are you
and you would like to spit at his face and say
damn fuck I feel like shit
I feel like going through hell
but you say
hey I am fine, all is perfect
how about you?
and smile

a smile that hurts
a smile with your stomach contracting
a smile that is wrong
when I am feeling it feels like hell
the rest of the time it feels like I’m dead
I am not sure what I prefer
being dead is easier
but being alive is my goal
my deep desire
what should I do?

help me anyone
hold me
save me
I’m falling

I must hold myself

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